Q: I gave a very generous cash gift to my friend’s daughter at her wedding a few months ago, and I still haven’t gotten a thank-you note or even a text. It’s awkward because she’s a friend’s daughter, so I don’t want to seem petty. How long am I supposed to wait, and is it okay to say something at some point?
A: First, you’re not being petty for wondering this. Not receiving a thank-you for a generous cash gift is honestly kind of rude. And most advice on this gets it wrong. You CAN follow up. You just have to do it the right way, and for the right reason.
Not receiving a thank-you for a generous wedding gift is one of my biggest pet peeves. Saying thank you, whether in person, by text, or in a handwritten note, is a centuries-old custom. It’s also just what people with basic manners do. There, I said it.
So, how long should you actually wait? According to standard wedding etiquette (and our Smart Wedding Planner Guide), thank-you notes should be sent within a few weeks of the wedding and no later than three months after. If you’re inside that window, take a breath. If you’re past it, your annoyance is earned.
Smart move: If you’re between 3 and 6 months out from the wedding, you can send one casual, well-worded follow-up (more on how below). Past 6 months? File the data and let it shape how you show up for this person going forward.
What If You’re Not Sure They Even Got It?
First, rule out the obvious. If you sent a check and it was cashed, they have it. If you mailed actual cash (which I never recommend), follow up casually with the couple or your friend: “We sent Mary and Tom a gift for the wedding and wanted to make sure it got to them safely. Have you heard anything?”
That single question almost always surfaces an exasperated “oh my gosh, thank you, we’re working on the notes!” from the couple, or a quick “they loved it” from your friend. Take that as your real thank-you and move on. If a handwritten card or text/call happens later, consider it the cherry on top.
They Got It and Never Said a Word. Now What?
I’m not embarrassed to admit I still remember the wedding gifts/couples I never got you thank-you’s from. I blame my sign (Scorpio) for holding a grudge, LOL. But I’m not the only one. A couple of years ago my husband and I went to a family friend’s wedding with my parents, and we all gave what we considered pretty generous gifts, and none of us got a thank you. We all thought it was pretty crappy, and yes, when those family friends come up in conversation we sometimes still mention it to each other. Maybe holding a grudge runs in the family!
Despite every etiquette rule telling couples they need to write thank-you notes for every single gift, it doesn’t always happen. So if you’re anything like me, it will bother you for a brief period of time, and may even affect how you view the person. I know, I know. I’m supposed to be the bigger person here. But I’m just being honest.
What I’m NOT going to tell you to do is send a passive-aggressive text or call them out on it. Ever. That makes you look worse than the missing thank-you note.
What you CAN do is send one casual follow-up, framed around confirming receipt, not fishing for thanks. Something like: “Hi Sarah! I sent a check for your wedding back in June and wanted to make sure you got it. The bank cleared it, but I wanted to check in with you directly.”
Doing it this way gives her a chance to acknowledge the gift without feeling accused. She should take the hint and send a note that week. Not everyone will. Do with that information what you will.
Pro tip: Never put the words “thank-you” in your follow-up. Frame it entirely around confirming receipt. The second you mention a thank-you note, you’ve made it a confrontation.
What Do You Do Going Forward?
You don’t have to confront anyone. If a person doesn’t say thank you for a generous cash gift, adjust your expectations for the next milestone in their life. Don’t stop being generous, just stop being surprised.
So no, I’m not telling you to send a bitter text. And I’m not telling you to pretend it didn’t happen either. You noticed. That matters. Send your one casual follow-up if the window is right, and let the response (or lack of one) tell you what you need to know.
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I am inclined to disagree with the Wedding Planner suggestion. Though, I am not sure how I will handle such a situation but for sure going forward there won’t be any generous gifts going forward.
Two friends of mine lossed her mother and the other, her father. For the one’s mother I had taken up a collection. Very few gave a donation and the total amount was very little. I kept the few dollars and wrote her a generous personal check. I felt embarrassed about the amount I collected and just give that to her, especially after she had lossed her mother. She cashed the check immediately but no acknowledgement of the gift. I was so disappointed in her but I never mentioned it to her.
The friend’s father, I gave a generous piece of cash. Not one word from her. I didn’t touch the issue with her. Disappointed, absolutely.
I will continue to share with my friends as I feel that I should with no charity with these two going forward. No anger, no grudge or bitterness, just finished. As time progressed, the friendships died a natural death.
Not sure why this is so hard, send her a note saying how much fun you had at the wedding and how beautiful it was, mention that you gave cash in a card and you just want to make sure they received it. Maybe she sent a thank you and it got lost. Maybe she never received your card and there may be others missing as well. Lost of possibility’s for honest on both sides. Good luck.
All of my baby boomers friends and I have a BIG issue with this. We are of the generation of written thankyou notes, but even a text will do. I would REALLY love to hear the other side of this discussion, maybe to see your side. Any newlyweds, college grads, birthday people like to chime in?
I have given several generous gifts for weddings and babies and not received thank you’s. I find it rude and hurtful. In one instance I did follow up and the gift was not received. It was a giftcard and the store sent a new one to me and I then sent it. I did get a thank you from them!
Invitations and thank you notes for weddings, bridal or baby showers, graduations, any major event should never be done via text. It is lazy and tacky.
That’s happened to me in the past … no thank you… So I just sent a text, first, complimenting them on a wonderful wedding, then asking them if they would share what they might have purchased with the check, and hoping that it was something that they really were looking forward to getting. It made it look like I wanted them to know that I enjoyed their wedding…and hope they purchased something nice with the gift. Maybe just an overlook ..it can happen. I’m one that needs to take care of these “etiquette musts” right away.
I agree with your advice about getting or not getting a thank you for ANY occasion. I really try to give the recipient time to get them sent out. But, past 6 months, they just brush it off as “oh well”. So, how are we supposed to feel when we walk into the reception hall and an attendant hands you a little rolled up note that says “thank you for coming and supporting us”. This note taken from a box of little rolled up notes just handed out to guests as they walk in. (Kind of rude) Maybe they couldn’t afford printed out thank you cards, but a little hand-written note sent to your house thanking you personally for the specific gift is very appreciated. After all, they had your address to send the invitation.
Rant over.
Excellent Advice! My cousin got married a couple of years ago (at age 60 – so, they should know better). My sister and I did not attend, but sent a monetary gift (which they asked for) in the way of a credit card (on line).
Never heard anything until I asked her if she had received it (wanting to make sure the couple received the gift – since I had never given something in this manner). Response: “Oh yes! I’m working on Thank You’s – Sorry it’s so long!”. I assured her I didn’t care, just wanted to make sure they got it.
No ‘Thank You’… ever.