Your daughter’s wedding date is set, and now you need something to wear! The only rule? Choose something that makes you feel GREAT!
One mom recently titled her plea for help “Hi it’s me … I’m the problem…mother of the bride dress help STILL,” and if that isn’t the most relatable thing we’ve read all month, we don’t know what is. She had months to go before a July wedding and had already “tried on every dress at the Bay, H & M, Zara, and Laura just for style guidance.” Recognize yourself yet? Then keep reading.
1. Pure Excitement (At Least at First)
Your daughter is probably more excited about this part than she’s let on. One bride shopping with her mom put it like this: “I’d really love for her to be in something like a stormy blue color (we talked about her being my ‘something blue’ at my wedding).” If she floats an idea like that, run with it.
Out of all the jobs on the wedding to-do list, this one is all yours, so soak it up.
2. Total Overwhelm About Where to Start
The overwhelm arrives about ten minutes later.
“I really think I’m both overthinking and over information-ed.”
— a mother of the bride, mid-search
The fix is the same one we give brides. Before you start your dress search, you’ll want to know your budget. Then, figure out which type of shopping experience fits you best. A boutique will offer a smaller, more curated selection of dresses without being overwhelming, while a department store will have lots of options and sizes, though the experience won’t be as intimate. Just don’t go crazy going everywhere you can. You’re better off limiting yourself to four stores.
3. Dread of Anything Labeled “Mother of the Bride”
One bride said the whole category “seems stuck in a 1990s time warp.” Another got blunter after helping her future mother-in-law shop: “all the ‘mother’ dresses feel like these poor woman are going to be draped in old woman drapes/curtains! Not flattering at all and they are soooo expensive!”
“Don’t search on MOB dresses. Every one I saw under that heading was Frumpy with a capital ‘F’! Finally found Alex Evenings brand at Macy’s. Got a really nice one with shape, a bit of cleavage, a slit, etc.”
— a mother of the bride
There are a ton of off-the-rack options if you expand your search to “formal dresses” at a department store like Nordstrom or Macy’s, where you can easily score something chic for less than $200. Our mother of the bride dress guide rounds up the brands that don’t do frumpy.
4. Confusion About the Rules
Can you wear navy if the other mom is wearing navy? Is champagne too close to white? The same mom who called herself over information-ed had absorbed every rule on the internet at once: “All the online things say I should wear what I would normally wear to a wedding but take it up a notch but also no overly bright colours, obviously no black.” No wonder she couldn’t find a single dress she liked.
The reply that settled it in her thread deserves to be printed out and taped to every mirror: “Mothers are VIP guests, sometimes co-hosts, not members of the bridal party. She should be entitled to pick her own dress and does not have to match or coordinate with the bridesmaids or the decor unless she wants to.” Even the brides come around to this once they think it through. As one of them wrote after asking what color her mom should wear, “it seems I should just let her pick what she feels best in, which I am totally for!!”
As far as actual etiquette goes, don’t wear white or ivory, and tell the other mom your color before either of you buys. On the pale-shade question, the best comment we’ve seen came from a bride whose mom wanted to borrow a friend’s gold gown: “It’s probably champagne, but is photographing white. I would let your mom know that while it’s lovely, the way it photographs makes it look white.” Smart, right? A quick photo in daylight will tell you more about a pale dress than an hour under fitting room lights. Our venue-by-venue mother of the bride guide can help with the formality side.
5. Nerves About the Fitting Room
“I’m 5 feet tall and range from an 8-14 depending on store and time of the month. I cannot find a single dress. I don’t like the matronly two piece, or anything with embellishment.”
— a mother of the bride
Occasion-dress sizing is its own circus, and every brand runs differently. Malinda Macari, the owner of the bridal shop Your Dream Bridal outside Boston (we interviewed her for our wedding attire series), has watched fit mistakes get expensive: “I’ve known girls who’ve bought samples that have been so big on them, that they spent just as much money on altering the dress as they did on the dress itself. It needs to fit you well, or you’re going to spend a fortune.” Buy for your largest measurement and let a tailor handle the rest.
Macari also gives brides permission that moms need even more: “If you hate the dress, you think it’s ugly, say it. There’s no point in hemming and hawing about a dress that you don’t like. Let’s get it off. Be gone. Who cares? You’re never going to hurt my feelings. Ever.”
And if stores keep failing you, do what one mom did after striking out at Macy’s: “I tried on dresses only for size and fit in various designers, then went onto Amazon to see what they had. Surprise! They carried these names…and in the size I needed!” We keep running lists of plus-size mother of the bride dresses and tea-length options you’ll wear again if you want a head start.
WHAT TO BRING TO YOUR DRESS APPOINTMENT
Nude, seamless, full-coverage panties or Spanx
A well-fitting bra (avoid strapless bras, which don’t offer much support)
If you plan on wearing heels, bring a pair in your desired height
Hair tie
Credit card or other form of payment (in case you *hopefully* find the one)
6. Guilt About Spending the Money
You’ll happily blow the budget on the shower and the welcome bags, then agonize over spending $180 on yourself. The bargain stories from brides watching their moms shop should help: “My mom and FMIL both gave up on bridal shops and decided department stores were the way! My mom is still shopping but my FMIL found a gorgeous dress for $99 at her local TJ Maxx.” Azazie’s mother of the bride line runs about $139 to $260, so a dress you love does not have to cost wedding-gown money.
Whatever your number is, say it out loud before you shop. Macari hears people dodge this conversation constantly: “Be honest about the budget.” And when someone claims there is no budget? “There’s always a budget, always a budget.” Whatever the number ends up being, leave room in it for alterations.
7. A Wave of Something You Didn’t Expect
At some point this stops being about the dress. Moms get a yes-to-the-dress moment too, and the brides love telling those stories. One wrote about shopping with her future mother-in-law: “We found two she really liked, ordered the try-on at home dresses and we absolutely fell in LOVE with one of them!! That was her dress and she said yes to the dress!!”
Once the dress is hanging safely in your closet, you can move on to your wedding day purse (we have thoughts) and, if you’re giving a toast, our favorite mother of the bride speeches. And if you want to wreck her before the ceremony even starts (in a good way), write her a letter she can open the morning of.
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