Are you and your spouse planning on penning your own wedding vows? If so, you’re not alone. Close to 50% of couples choose to write their own wedding vows. And while that’s not always possible if you’re getting married in a church or temple, a venue that allows you to write you own vows is an invitation to create a meaningful and memorable moment for you, your partner, and your guests. While that all sounds great, writing your own vows can be SUPER nerve-wracking. What are you going to say? What’s your spouse going to say? What if you mess up? Or forget? What if your partner doesn’t like them….let alone the guests!?
Figuring out how to write wedding vows doesn’t have to be stressful. Follow a few basic guidelines with help from these experts, and your vows will totally wow both your audience and the love of your life! (And yes, there will probably be tears, but they’ll be the good kind.)
Check With Your Officiant First
Before you start writing, confirm with your ceremony officiant that personalized vows are OK in the first place. For example, the Catholic Rite of Marriage does not have an option for personalized wedding vows, and while there is no official exchange of vows during a traditional Jewish ceremony, your Rabbi might be open to it. Your officiant may also want to review your wedding vows once you’ve written them, so be prepared for that.
If personal vows aren’t an option for your ceremony, you can always incorporate them into a speech at your reception, include something personal in your wedding program, or exchange them privately during your first look. And if you’ll be saying the classic words at the altar, our guide to writing heartfelt traditional wedding vows walks you through the classic structure and how to make it feel like yours.
“Stop Trying to Write Your Vows”
While working with an expert will help you overcome writer’s block when it comes to your wedding vows, Katelyn Peterson says the best thing you can do if writing them on your own is to “stop trying to write your vows.” Instead, start by writing a list.
“List out what you love about your fiance, what you appreciate about your relationship, what kind of spouse you wish to be for them, and what makes you excited for your future,” says Peterson, who helps couples write completely custom wedding vows. “When you’re done, you’ll have lots of material to work with. Then it’s just a matter of polishing those notes into vows. Suddenly, the task of vow writing becomes a lot less daunting.”
Agree on the Tone
Do you and your partner want to write wedding vows with one another beforehand? If not, it’s essential to discuss what type of tone you’re going for. Discuss if you’re going to go the humorous, sweet-and-subtle, or not-a-dry-eye-in-the-house route. Also, decide if you’re going to simply have notes or the entire vows written out. Trying to memorize them is just adding more pressure to an already stressful moment.
You’ll also want to decide if you’re writing your vows separately or together. There is no right or wrong way to do this, and both have their advantages. If you choose to work together, you can complement each other’s vows and make them flow one after the other. If you decide to work on them separately, it can be more of a surprise (which is always fun). Whichever way you go, make sure to decide on a deadline that is preferably not the day before (or of) the wedding! Trust us, this is not something you want to leave to the last minute. Give yourselves a deadline that is at least a few weeks before the wedding so you have time to rehearse and not stress.
One more thing to agree on: whether you’re keeping the traditional structure at all. If you’re both leaning away from the classics, we have a full guide on how to write non-traditional wedding vows, too.
Stick to the Template
“You could spend hours googling and drive yourself crazy, because there is more online than you could imagine on how to write your vows, but it’s really simple,” says Tanya Pushkine, who has helped hundreds of couples write (and say) meaningful wedding vows. Instead, it comes down to this: “Basically, why do you want to marry this person, what do you love so much about them, what have they done to make you a better person, what do you see your future like, and what do you want to promise?”
Open With a Memory, Not a Compliment
When you’re ready to turn your list into actual vows, resist the urge to open with a compliment or a definition of love. Open with a memory instead. Take everyone back to a specific moment: the first time you said “I love you,” the disastrous first date that somehow worked, or the exact second you knew this was your person. A moment like that pulls your guests into the story with you, and it will mean far more to your partner than “you are my best friend” ever could.
Not sure which memory to pick? Set up a “reflection date” with your fiancé to simply talk about your relationship and what you love most about it. Think back on the first time you both said ‘I love you’ or how you first met. You can also talk about some of your favorite memories that you’ve shared.
The key is to realize that this is not always easy, and it’s OK if you get writer’s block. “Don’t judge yourself, and give yourself time,” Alicia and Angie from Vow Muse, a California-based speechwriting company, told Weddings Illustrated. “One of the most difficult things about experiencing writer’s block as you pen your wedding vows is that you start to be self-conscious about why you’re having a hard time. ‘Why can’t I think of anything to say about Justin? Don’t I love him? If I can’t articulate my feelings, what does that mean?'” said Vow Muse. “This does not benefit you at all, and it doesn’t mean anything negative about you or your feelings toward your partner.”
If you want to see how an opening memory lands before you commit to one, read through these 26 famous wedding vows and these 9 wedding vows that will totally inspire you.
Make Specific Promises
Katelyn Peterson says one of the biggest mistakes couples make in their wedding vows is not including specific promises.
“Vows in their most simple form are promises,” says Peterson. “And yet, many couples end up writing a love letter focused on what they admire about their partner and relationship and overlook the vows part.
She suggests including 3-6 specific promises and make sure they will stand the test of time “rather than focusing on current inside jokes.”
It helps to think in terms of broad AND specific promises. For example: “I promise to always support you” (broad) and “I promise to hold your hand when you bravely kill a spider, even though they terrify you” (specific). The broad ones give your vows their backbone, and the specific ones are what get the happy tears going.
Here are a few promises to help get you started:
- I promise to always stand by your side.
- I promise to laugh with you, cry with you, and comfort you.
- I promise to always remind you how much you mean to me.
- I promise to love you the way you have always loved me.
Psychology researcher Samantha Joel, who specializes in the science of romantic relationships, even worked decades of relationship research into her own wedding vows. By promising to “respect, admire, and appreciate you for who you are, as well as for the person you wish to become,” Joel was sharing how much she “appreciates” her partner, which she believes is an important factor. “Research on positive illusions shows that it’s helpful to see romantic partners in a positive light,” she wrote on The Huffington Post, “to appreciate their positive qualities rather than ruminating about their flaws.” While scientific research isn’t necessarily the most romantic tool to help you write your wedding vows, it can’t hurt!
Include the Funny Line (It Sets Up the Serious One)
You don’t need to be a comedian up there, but one funny, true detail can do wonders for the whole room. Think about the things that make your relationship yours, like the fact that he still can’t load a dishwasher correctly, or that your “big Friday night” is falling asleep twenty minutes into a movie you picked. When your guests laugh, everyone relaxes (including you), and the heartfelt line that comes right after will feel even bigger because of it.
Just keep the jokes kind, and aim them at situations rather than at your partner. If you want proof that funny and heartfelt can live in the same set of vows, these 12 funny wedding vows pull it off beautifully. And for a cautionary tale (or three), here are the oddest things people have actually said in their vows.
Say What They’ve Changed in You
The vows that leave guests reaching for tissues almost always include this move: instead of just describing their partner, the writer describes how their partner changed them. How has your life changed since being with your significant other? Are you more patient? More adventurous? More willing to try new things? Telling a room full of people “I am a calmer, braver version of myself because of you” says more about your relationship than any list of compliments ever could.
You can see this move all over our favorite wedding vows for him and these incredibly sweet wedding vows for her. Borrow the structure, then fill it with your own story.
End With What Forever Actually Means to You
Your closing line is the one everyone will remember, so try not to spend it on a generic “I love you forever.” What does forever actually look like for the two of you? Coffee in bed every Sunday? Never starting the next episode without them? Put that in. The endings that stick are the ones that could only have been written by you, about them.
And if the words won’t come, it’s OK to borrow a few. These 19 love quotes work beautifully in wedding vows, and these 15 Bible verses are gorgeous options if your ceremony leans religious.
Practice Makes Perfect
“It may sound simple but the best thing you can do to lessen your nerves is to practice and keep practicing,” says Peterson. “Practice reciting your speech out loud at least three times before the wedding day,” she says, suggesting you focus on speed, tone, and eye contact.
And yes…the focus is on saying them OUT. LOUD. “Practicing by silently reading to yourself will do absolutely nothing for you,” says Pushkine. “You have to hear yourself, because in hearing yourself…you’ll catch things like, ‘I don’t really like the way that sounds,’ or, ‘I think I need to cut that,’ or, ‘I’m sounding really monotone.'”
If you don’t mind someone else hearing them before your spouse, read them to your maid of honor and get some feedback. Things can read very differently out loud than they sound in your head! Practicing will also help you speak slowly and clearly on your actual wedding day.
“When most people are nervous, they speak too quickly,” says Peterson, so slowwwwww down. She also tells couples to vary their inflection throughout the speech to avoid a monotone delivery. “And don’t forget to look up at the couple and guests at natural points throughout the speech.”
Memorize It? Forget It!
If you can memorize your vows, awesome. If not, don’t worry about it! This isn’t a Presidential debate…nobody is expecting you to memorize your points. Instead, recite them enough times so you feel comfortable, then write them (NEATLY…better yet, type them!) on a nice piece of paper or notecard that a bridesmaid can give you or that you can keep folded up in your hand.
Then be sure to keep your vows in a safe place afterwards so you can frame them or include them in your wedding album. If you want to take the keepsake idea one step further, you can even turn a voice recording of your wedding vows into art.
Looking for more help with your wedding vows? All of our vow guides are below:
- How to Write Heartfelt Traditional Wedding Vows for Your Own Ceremony
- How to Write Non-Traditional Wedding Vows
- 12 Funny Wedding Vows to Use At Your Wedding
- 12 Wedding Vows for Him to Melt Your Heart With
- We Found the Most Incredibly Sweet Wedding Vows for Her
- 26 Famous Wedding Vows to Inspire Your Own
- 9 Wedding Vows That Will Totally Inspire You
- 19 Love Quotes To Use in Your Wedding Vows
- 15 Beautiful Bible Verses for Your Wedding Vows
- The Oddest Things People Said in Their Vows
- Heartfelt Wedding Readings for Every Type of Wedding
- How to Create Art Using a Voice Recording of Your Wedding Vows
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